So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
