just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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