***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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