sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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