a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
