Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
