I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
