like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
