its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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