It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
