If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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