so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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