Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
