I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
