Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
