somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
