My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My pussy is not your playground.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
