i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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