I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
