i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
