he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
