Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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