i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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