when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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