Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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