FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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