Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
