People with herpes should wear stickers.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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