Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
