When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
