I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
