Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i love accidental penises.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
