we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Drunk is not a location!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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