Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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