What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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