i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
