If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
