Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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