Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
