I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
