NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
