I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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