We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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