I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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