I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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