When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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