Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
