Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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