paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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