My liver just broke up with me...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
