just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
