WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
